To Accept Is To Judge?

If you accept something, does that mean you judge it to be good? That you approve?

The other day I was coaching a client who was really struggling with something. She had just discovered a deeply held belief about herself that was at the heart of what wasn’t working—and she was angry.

I told her that I got it. I got what was going on for her, and how she felt. Then I asked her if she was willing to accept all of it—in the moment. What was happening, what she thought, how she felt.

I invited her to consider that by accepting “what’s so” in the present, she would create a space for something new.

Her response was quick.

But things are not OK. And I feel like crap!”

At that moment, something crystallized in my mind. I have always operated under the notion that acceptance meant “to simply acknowledge something, without judging it to be good or bad”. But sometimes, when in conversation with others, I had this feeling that what I was saying wasn’t communicating.

Like with my client. There was some confusion—actually, resistance—around this idea of acceptance. And now I knew why—there must be some other definition of “acceptance” in people’s minds.

It seemed to have something to do with “judging something to be good”. (Which was totally ironic—not to mention counter-productive—given that my point in using this word was specifically to NOT judge.)

I looked up the word “accept” to confirm the meaning (which is always a dangerous thing to do—especially when you think you already know what it is).

Et voila. My definition wasn’t the only one…

I found that there are indeed two distinct definitions for the word “accept” (there are more, but in this context there are two):

1. recognize something as a fact
2. regard something favourably or with approval

Two definitions that, to my mind, are actually worlds apart.

Recognizing something as a fact means simply acknowledging “what’s so”, without judgment. (And that’s how I’d been using the word.)

But “favourable”? With “approval”? Oh boy—that’s an entirely different story… Enter the world of judgment. And THAT’s where the confusion—and more importantly, the resistance—lay.

My client thought I was suggesting that she “regard favourably and with approval” what wasn’t working in her life. And her anger about it.

But I wasn’t—I was suggesting that she simply acknowledge her circumstances, feelings, and thoughts as valid. Without resistance.

There is great power in acceptance as acknowledgment.”

In fact, I call this kind of acceptance, Love.

And this Love not only creates a space of peace, and the possibility of joy—it actually gives us access to inspired, powerful and effective actions. (Which then produce the results that we want.)

So the next time I invite someone to accept “what’s so”—in the moment—I’m going to make sure they know I’m NOT talking about judgment.

I’m talking about Love.

Thanks for sharing...